A Compendium Of Truly Terrible Dad Jokes

I bought polarized glasses to reduce glare, but why do people still look at me disapprovingly when I make a dank pun?
I've seen a lot of burgers advertised as "100% Beef." What parts of a cow are the lettuce, bread, onions, and the sauce made of?
A multinational team of Special Operations operators was ordered to execute a raid. It failed, all but three, an US, a British, and an Italian operator survived. They have been caught by the insurgend group, then separated. Afterwards they been interogated. They survived and met again several years and talked about their experiences.
The US guy starts with his story: "Good to see ya'll. Hey, it was a fucked up situation. They dragged me into a dull room. Pushed me on a chair. Bond my arms tight to the arm rests and started to interview me orally. I said nothing. They slapped me in the face. I said nothing. They took a metal bar, hit my forehead. Ough, that was tough. I lost my conciousness. But said nothing. Then they drew a scalpel under my eyes, and threaten me by cutting off fingertips. Ouh! Then I can't resist. I told them everything. And in the end they let me go."

"Oh, okay," said both the British and Italian operator.
The British guy continues the chat with his experiences: "Very comparable with your story. The pushed me on this chair in the middle of the room, bond my arms tight to arm rests, too. They yelled at me, tortured me first with their fists, then by several hits with a metal bar. But I was calm as cucumber. Then they presented a scalpel and offered to cut off fingers to make me talk secrets. I laughed. They cut off the tip of my pinky. Holy crap, indeed. I was afraid. Then they threaten me by cutting off my testicels. Uih. Sacrificing the jewels of her Majesty the Queen's brave SAS operator? Probably never ever, indeed! I told them everything. And they set me free."

"Impressive!", said both the American and the Italian operator.
The US and British SOF operators were very curious about the story of their Italian comrade. "And what was your experience?"
The Italian soldier's word gushed out: "A, okay. They pushed me into a room. Kicked me laying on the floor, dragged me up, pushed me down on a chair. Bond my arms tight as hell down to the chair´s arm rests. They drew a strict interrogation on me. First peaceful and calm, but soon increasing because of my resilience and resistance to answer. They clubbed me with fists, with tools, with a metal bar. But resistance was severe.
They cut off several finger tips. But I couldn't tell anything. And then they cut off my testicals..."

"Pardon?!", asked both the American and British soldier. "Why that?"

"Do you know any Italian, who is able to talk without his hands?"
My child lives a rather sedintary life style. One day I confronted her about it, and said she needed to get up out of the chair and do something, or her health would begin to suffer. After several minutes of badgering, she finally said "I understand." To which I replied, "That's what I've been saying, now go walk the dog."