A Compendium Of Truly Terrible Dad Jokes

LSchefman

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My father (RIP) took the cake when it came to truly terrible Dad Jokes. They were all eye-rollers - every single one, without exception.

In any given situation, the question wasn't whether an impossibly bad Dad Joke would slip out of my father's brain and into the world, as though he couldn't control what came out of his mouth.

Nope, not a question. It was a certainty. The only question was, "Which one will spring forth from the brain, given the circumstances?" Here's an example:

My mother [coming in from outdoors]: "It's nice out!"

My father's immediate reply: "Then I'll leave it out."

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Me, after a sunburn:: "My face hurts."

My father: "It's killing me."

Variation on a theme:

One of my brothers: "It hurts when I do this."

My father: "Then don't do that."

- Alternate joke in same situation -

My father: "Bring me a hammer and put your hand on the table."

My brother: "Why?"

My father: "So you don't think about the other thing that hurts."

My mother: "Why don't you ask my friend's daughter [insert name of daughter] out?"

My father: "Oh, she's a real doll. A Yisgadol." (First word in Aramaic prayer for the dead).

Anyone: "What day is it again?"

My father: "It'll be Tuesday, all day."

Etc.

You have your own, no doubt. I think they should be preserved somewhere. Perhaps this thread is the place?
 

Alnus Rubra

Loving nature’s wonders
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My Pops-in-law has a few -

It can be the middle of winter and he will say: “Chilly for June”

Another of his: “I went to see the Doctor, he told me I have bad news. You have toe-burculosis, which has spread to knee-monia. Thankfully it hasn’t spread to d!ck-therea!”
 

CandidPicker

Building For A Better Future
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I'd add mine, but my life's savings in jokes, funny stories, and cartoons is wrapped up in almost 250 pages and counting of Dad's Jokes on a separate forum. You may ask at any time why I'm not contributing to this thread. My funny bone has tennis elbow. I'll let myself out in a minute.
 
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NazgulUK

Oops I did it again
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A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag

."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."

No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
 

11top

Cousin Eddie's cousin
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Whenever we were about to leave (for anywhere), my dad would say, “What did the monkey say when he backed into the lawn mower?”


“They’re off!”


I don’t know what it was about monkeys, but in reference to the cost of something, he’d say, “What did the monkey say when he took a leak into the cash register?”


“This is running into the money!”


I must have heard those two jokes a brazilian times. :rolleyes:
 
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andy474x

Knows the Drill
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Ah, here we go!

I’m a Dad and a dentist, the pinnacle of bad humor, so this thread is about to go nuclear:

All the teeth of the mouth are at a party. The two front teeth are talking to two wisdom teeth from opposite sides of the mouth.

Suddenly one of the front teeth stops the conversation and says “Wait a minute, you two live on opposite sides of the mouth, how do you know each other?”

To which one of the wisdom teeth reply, “Oh, we’re wisdom teeth - we go way back.”

My staff cringe so hard when they hear that one cranking up!
 

LSchefman

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Ah, here we go!

I’m a Dad and a dentist, the pinnacle of bad humor, so this thread is about to go nuclear:

All the teeth of the mouth are at a party. The two front teeth are talking to two wisdom teeth from opposite sides of the mouth.

Suddenly one of the front teeth stops the conversation and says “Wait a minute, you two live on opposite sides of the mouth, how do you know each other?”

To which one of the wisdom teeth reply, “Oh, we’re wisdom teeth - we go way back.”

My staff cringe so hard when they hear that one cranking up!
My wisdom teeth were impacted and were removed from the party by the dental police.

This probably explains my lack of wisdom.

"That was kind of a dad joke, right there, pal."

"True. But at least it was a take on Andy's dad joke, so I think I deserve extra credit."

"I dunno. Seems to me your joke was unwise."
 

andy474x

Knows the Drill
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My wisdom teeth were impacted and were removed from the party by the dental police.

This probably explains my lack of wisdom.

"That was kind of a dad joke, right there, pal."

"True. But at least it was a take on Andy's dad joke, so I think I deserve extra credit."

"I dunno. Seems to me your joke was unwise."

Dad joke squared, it compounds exponentially… whether that’s in a good way or a bad way, probably isn’t for us to say!
 

WA Paul

All dogs go to heaven
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Is your refrigerator running? You’d better catch it!

Variation
Is your nose running? You’d better catch it!

What did the one volcano say to the other? You really blew it!
 

LSchefman

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I forgot to mention my dad's worst joke. He liked to kid around.

When I was a teenager, I had a very pretty girlfriend with a fantastic figure. I later married her. She still has a great figure!

But when she'd come over, my dad would tease her with, "Hiya fatty!"

She was never overweight a day in her life. But I could see the look on her face was ANXIETY.

He thought it was funny. Well, maybe it was in 1944. But not by the time I was in my teens.

"Which was when, Les?"

"1844. We did time backwards in my family."

After much back and forth, he finally stopped doing this at my request.
 
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