Customer Service At Certain Media Companies (NOT PRS)

[László]

Ever experience this? You're talking to a machine. Of course. The machine is in a COMMUNICATIONS company.

"You have reached XYZ Communications Network. If you need sales, press 1, followed by the pound sign. If you need repairs, press 2, followed by the pound sign. If you'd like technical support, press 3 followed by the pound sign."

2#

"OK, to expedite the process and get you to the right department, please tell me what you're calling about. You can say, 'I'm calling about a repair order I placed."

I'm having a problem with the veeblefetzer on my ABC.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question. You can say, 'I'm calling about a repair order I placed."

Gaaaaah! My veeblefetzer isn't working.

"I'm sorry. In order to connect you with the right department I need..."

Representative.

"I'm sorry. In order to connect you with the right department I need..."

[In frustration]...shouting...HUMAN BEING!!!!!! I WANT A HUMAN BEING!!!

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question. You can say, 'I'm calling about a repair order I placed."

[now shouting at the top of my lungs] GODDAMIT GIVE ME A PERSON!!!!! REP-RE-SENTATIVE!!!! AGENT!!! PERSON!!!

"All of our agents are busy now. Try calling back in 100 years. Thank you for being our valued customer!" [CLICK]

 

[CandidPicker]

Yes.

With Amazon's automated service chat rep. Trying to speak with a live human being is about as possible as trying to speak to and hear someone in a loud bar scene.

TBH, I did eventually locate the correct way to connect to a live phone person. Amazon does not make it easy to speak with real people, and IMHO, deliberately discourages you from doing so in order to frustrate you until you actually speak with a live person who can flag your account for your barking up the wrong tree to begin with.

Welcome to phone limbo. A service rep will be with you in several eons.

 

[Tony M.]

That was you yelling at my answering machine?

 

[CandidPicker]

I usually find that if you joggle the franistant, the veeblefetzer will work just fine.

 

[archtop]

What? You didn't get the "you're opinion matters to XYZ Communications Network, would you like to take a survey on your satisfaction with XYZ Communications Network?"

 

[László]

What? You didn't get the "you're opinion matters to XYZ Communications Network, would you like to take a survey on your satisfaction with XYZ Communications Network?"

Bahahahahaha!!!!!

It's as if they actually gave a rat's ass about what we think!

 

[László]

How about when you go to their website and there's an option to "Chat with one of our agents."

So you click on the little box, and it comes up. And it connects you with...

Another robot system!!!

 

[László]

"On behalf of Useless Robot Customer Service Systems, Inc., I thank you for this opportunity to present our range of services and software!

At Useless Robot Customer Service Systems, we're constantly striving to prevent customers from ever reaching a human being. Our systems are intelligently designed by a tireless staff to be the most annoying in the world. We have pioneered more breakthroughs in uselessness and annoyance than any other company.

How does this help you?

First and foremost, you don't have to hire any customer service people at all. Who wants to pay their salaries and benefits, only to have them agree to allow a customer to return a product, which costs you even more money?

We've found that 46% of people who give up calling customer service our of frustration simply throw the product away and buy a new product - from you. They aren't smart enough to go elsewhere - they buy the new product you've made to churn sales by replacing the old product! So right there, you've not only saved money, you've made another sale!

10.8 % of customers who give up calling customer service don't return right away, but they do consider your products later. Making them nuts is a true opportunity for your company!

3% of people actually get through to a human being. While we're doing everything we can to reduce this number to 0%, the fact is that the 3% who get through are so relieved and happy that they post glowing reviews on the internet!

You might ask, what about the 40.1 % who neither give up out of frustration, nor do they reach a human being, but remain alive?

Well, what else can we do? We give them a survey to complete! This, of course, helps your marketing because you can simply throw away the customer service questions that are only there as a 'feel-good' for the customer.

And the .1% who never get through, and don't complete the survey, etc.?

We find that these unstable people add to the nation's suicide rate immediately following the call. The blessing for you, the manufacturer or service provider? They were going to be trouble, anyway! So the nutcases are completely weeded out.

I'm happy to take your questions."

Yes, what's the cost of your company's service and software?

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question. You can ask, 'Where can I buy your service and software', or, 'I'd like to chat with an agent online'...

 

[11top]

Isn’t that why you save 15% with Geico? Who wants to pay commission to a real person to help you? We get what we pay for.

 

[Simon Says]

Sounds like paypal... or Argos in UK.

My personal best CS in biz award goes to Kyle at Chasetone with Strymon ad close second. Try emailing them and getting response with resolution in longer than 2 hours and I will eat my shorts.

 

[CandidPicker]

Isn’t that why you save 15% with Geico? Who wants to pay commission to a real person to help you? We get what we pay for.

Yeah, but isn't it Liberty that says, "You Only Pay for What You Need?" And they still charge higher prices anyway?

 

[László]

Isn’t that why you save 15% with Geico? Who wants to pay commission to a real person to help you? We get what we pay for.

So true.

But there are plenty of companies we pay a LOT to that offer no service at all. Looking at you, Comcast...

 

[László]

Ever call your doctor and get this?

"Press one if you're calling from a hospital or doctor's office, press 2 if you're calling from a pharmacy, press 3 if you're someone we hardly care about at all and you need an appointment.... If you're actually sick and this is an emergency, tough luck. Call 911 or proceed to the nearest emergency room to be seen by someone who has no inkling of your medical history, and who you've never seen before."

 

[alantig]

My wife used to program a voice response system. She gets quite snarky when she hits a system that isn't done well.

Ever call your doctor and get this?

"Press one if you're calling from a hospital or doctor's office, press 2 if you're calling from a pharmacy, press 3 if you're someone we hardly care about at all and you need an appointment.... If you're actually sick and this is an emergency, tough luck. Call 911 or proceed to the nearest emergency room to be seen by someone who has no inkling of your medical history, and who you've never seen before."

Most of the ones I get do the 911/ER thing right away, so maybe it recognizes the phone number and prioritizes the message order based on whether it wants to shunt you off to someone else.

I spent two hours on hold once because the last option on the message said, "If you want to know how to keep a moron occupied press..." but it didn't say what number.

 

[Alnus Rubra]

So following storm Arwen, I contact our insurance company, only to be encouraged to lodge my claim online.

Their website had crashed because of the amount of customers making claims.

Five days later I eventually make contact with a human, who advises that all my attempts to lodge the claim via website/phone had not been recorded.

Not the staff members fault and she was very apologetic. Much the same as I am when I don’t feel I’m giving the public the service they deserve, but it’s out of my hands.

Great customer service is so rare these days and when I receive it I believe in acknowledging it and rewarding those who give it.

 

[Tony M.]

and now for something completely different.

A long time ago...

I had a Crown Power amplifier that arrived bad out of the box.
(Channel 1 overheating)
I called Crown.
A live person picked up.
"Crown, Elkhart Indiana. How can I help you?"
I explained the problem.
"May I have your name and address please?"
I gave my name and address.
"Please hold. I promise I'll be back in a couple of minutes."
I hold on and he comes back on 3 minutes later.
"A replacement is on its way to you.
Where would you like us to pick up our defective amplifier?"

True story.

 

[dmatthews]

Press 1 if you're happy
Press 2 if you're sad
Press 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 if you are obsessive compulsive
Press 4, 5 , or 6 if you are indecisive

 

[gush]

OMG do I HATE phone menus.

I'm certain that I'm on a few lists......

 

[Boogie]

and now for something completely different.

A long time ago...

I had a Crown Power amplifier that arrived bad out of the box.
(Channel 1 overheating)
I called Crown.
A live person picked up.
"Crown, Elkhart Indiana. How can I help you?"
I explained the problem.
"May I have your name and address please?"
I gave my name and address.
"Please hold. I promise I'll be back in a couple of minutes."
I hold on and he comes back on 3 minutes later.
"A replacement is on its way to you.
Where would you like us to pick up our defective amplifier?"

True story.

I used to sell electronic components to Crown in a previous business life. One of their lead engineers were on speed dial at NASA. Yes, that NASA. I was in his office when he got one of those calls. Like to think my parts helped make some of the best amps ever made.

 

[aphantomvaper]

My wife used to program a voice response system. She gets quite snarky when she hits a system that isn't done well.



Most of the ones I get do the 911/ER thing right away, so maybe it recognizes the phone number and prioritizes the message order based on whether it wants to shunt you off to someone else.

I spent two hours on hold once because the last option on the message said, "If you want to know how to keep a moron occupied press..." but it didn't say what number.

I've built many Automated Attendants in my career and this gets my goat too.

One of the cardinal rules when making one of these is to always have a person at the end of the chain!

The word "Operator" works sometimes for voice menus.

Sorry Les!