Tuesday's Ticklers

[bodia]

As in tickle your funny bone:
1)
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

2)
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

3)
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[alantig]

An old favorite from John Fox...

A magician calls for a volunteer for a trick. A young man comes up on stage. The magician hands him a sledgehammer and says, "Now, for this trick, I'm going lay my head on this concrete slab and you're going to hit me in the head with that hammer..."

Ten years later, the magician is lying in a coma in a hospital bed. Slowly, his eyes flutter open, and he looks at the nurses who are checking on him and says..."Ta-daaa!"

 

[bodia]

An old favorite from John Fox...

A magician calls for a volunteer for a trick. A young man comes up on stage. The magician hands him a sledgehammer and says, "Now, for this trick, I'm going lay my head on this concrete slab and you're going to hit me in the head with that hammer..."

Ten years later, the magician is lying in a coma in a hospital bed. Slowly, his eyes flutter open, and he looks at the nurses who are checking on him and says..."Ta-daaa!"

Have to be honest....I just spit a little coffee

 

[László]

Funny stuff, both of you!

 

[rugerpc]

A dyslexic man balks into a war...

 

[rugerpc]

A man says to the butcher. "I'll take a pound of kid-el-lees."

The butcher asks, "Do you mean kidneys?"

"That's what I said, did-el-i?"

 

[veinbuster]

A dyslexic man balks into a war...

I like it better as...
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[alantig]

A dyslexic man balks into a war...

I like it better as...
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Three guys walked into a bar.

The fourth guy ducked.

------

Another Fox classic...

A magician has a gig on a cruise ship. Every night, the captain sits at a table near the front with his parrot on his shoulder. Every time the magician performs an illusion, the parrot squawks out the trick - "It's up his sleeve!" "He pulled from the bottom of the deck!" The magician gets progressively madder. On the fourth night, just as the magician is performing his finale, the ship rams an iceberg, which causes a huge explosion that destroys the ship.

The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood, just floating in the ocean. As he regains his senses, he looks around, and at the other end of the board is the parrot. They float like that for two days, just glaring at each other.

Finally, on the third day, the parrot says, "Alright, I give - where's the boat?"