- Jan 24, 2022
Thank you kindly for sharing. Other then here no one else knows what is going on. Everything in regards to this has been very guarded in my life. Some ppl don’t understand. When I had a melt down my good friend said to me, “aren’t you over that yet?” Her reply blew my mind and I find out she was not to be the caring friend I thought she was. You just don’t turn off PTSD at will!Lola, I sort of know what you deal with from my own personal demons. I was too proud to share my affliction with anyone until it almost destroyed me. But I managed to get through it. Maybe not the prescribed way, but I did it. It was a highly personal battle and I will leave it at that.
Some/many of you know that I ride and race motorcycles. That has been a part of me since I was in my early teens, as soon as I was legally able to do so. Much to the chagrin of my parents. Fortunately they had both passed on when I crashed on the racetrack almost 6 years ago. I consider it a minor track occurrence since I suffered no long term disfigurement or disability from it. My wife sort of disagrees with my assessment on the matter, but she doesn't forbid me my addiction to that part of my life. And she does enjoy riding with me to distant destinations on the Goldwing. And yes, I've caught her studying the inside of her eyelids on the pillion seat. I have armrests on the back so she can't (easily anyway) fall off if she nods. I also caught her reading a book while we rode through the Redwoods in California. Now that I took issue with, and it nearly put her on a bus or an airplane home I was so pi$$ed. I can see reading in southern Saskatchewan or maybe Iowa or North Dakota, but not when there are monumental sights to behold. Some things should be sacred should they not?
She hated the two Harleys I owned (and I hated one of them as it was a POS), along with the sport tourer I had for a couple years. And she has never ridden (or asked to) on the back of any of my sport bikes. Neither HD was an Ultra, but I did have a Roadking which was a superb bike, but it got totaled in Arizona on a solo trip. I did have a very customized Japanese cruiser that I loved to bits for 10 years, but she hated that too, I think it might have had something to do with the shotgun duals and the "dicier" crowd that I rode with during that time... which coincided with my personal problem I mentioned.
I didn't turn fanatically religious in the aftermath, although I did seek help in that realm with some friends as well as a local Pastor. But I also had the support of a very dear and close friend, who I will always be eternally grateful to for her assistance and unconditional love. I also took my martial arts training in a more introspective and philosophical way, which I think taught me more about my inner self than anything else I have ever done on my own. My students in the dojo were a huge influence in that part, even though they didn't know they were helping me out of a personal crisis.
This is something that no one other than the select few I've mentioned, and those of you that read this, have I ever spoken to on the subject. Not even my two brothers. And I still have music, which I believe gave me a sense of worth and inner peace. Now when I feel incomplete, I can find comfort in the beauty of a song, or the struggle to nail a new riff or lead line that has previously vexed me.
I too find solace in my guitar. It has kept me from going off the rails on a crazy train that is very hard to manage at times.