That Thing That Happened....

[rugerpc]

Doc Bill Ruger fell awake. He began to think of the things he needed to get done today.. There was new grass to be watered. Thank you cards to design and print. Guitar to play. And he and the new missus were all out of bacon.

He also knew he wanted to do something about The Forum. Recent contentiousness had ripped a hole in the collective wa, chi and mojo. He knew also that he was part of the blame, as he walked a line between feeding and ignoring the trolls. He had risen to the bait only to, as usual, realize that he should have just let the stupidity pass him by. He needed a distraction. Hell, The Forum needed a distraction.

He decided to invite his fellow members Les and Sergio (and any other members) to join him in another Forum-based contributive story. But, as usual for Doc Ruger, his mind wandered.

He was thinking about the 'beat' two musical notes produced. The 'beat' of course was the result of different wavelength sound waves alternately acting to reinforce and destruct one another. Some intervals produced a pleasing beat to the ear like a third or a perfect fifth and some were jarring like a minor second or a string that was a few cents out of tune with it's neighbor.

Whenever Doc Ruger was without a tuner (exceedingly rare these days since he almost always had his iPhone handy), he would tune using those interference beats. He had done that for most of his guitar playing days since he was in High School, not having access to real tuners until the past 10 years or so.

So Doc Ruger was thinking about sound wave beats when he logged onto The Forum. He almost forgot all about the beats as he read Sergio's latest thread.

"Gasconading circumlocution."

He realized that Sergio was unparagoned in his Google quest for big words, that is if Doc Ruger discounted himself and that Sergio, Les and he could easily be sesquipedalian enough to bore the living excrement out of their fellow Forum members to the point where, semi-comatose, all they could think of or write about would be the upcoming gathering of the faithful abbreviated as XPRS13 (like some unlikely guitar gang) and Private Stock Friday. That is unless the membership was more prone to lapse into periods of being saxicolous.

So, as he was beginning to type, Doc Ruger was startled to hear the phone ring....

 

[rugerpc]

This post reserved for OP comments and the list of characters.

If you think this thread is boring, you should read these:
Unicorns-Rainbows-Guitars
The-Amp-the-Guitar-and-the-Studio
The-Amp-the-Guitar-and-the-Studio-book-2

This is a collaborative story. You are invited to enjoy the story or even add to it. Feel free to add characters and plot twists. Please be careful not to completely derail or end another member's developing story line. Let people have most of the control over characters that they introduce. As a general rule - don't kill off characters you have not introduced, unless of course it is a minor bad guy someone put in your way. The main bad guy(s) will require a team effort to kill. If you have a doubt or suggestion, PM the author handling the character in question at the moment. Make sure you have read the whole story before jumping in. Refer back to posts as an author may have edited his storyline a bit in an important way. Have fun. I'll update the cast of characters as we go along in post #2

Cast in order of appearance:
Doc Bill Ruger - small studio owner and beginning guitarist
Ell Chefman - aging studio owner
Sergio - Rapper Extraordinaire
Amanda Bynes - bat-sh!t crazy woman
Miley Cyrus - bat-sh!t crazy woman
Lindsay Lohan - bat-sh!t crazy woman
Inga Natious - curvy Illinois pharmacist
Paul Reed Smith - Yes, THAT Paul
Shawn Nutzall - doing what, exactly?
Bitey - 500+ year old vampire
Hands Mantic - walletless enforcer and sword smith
Casey Sky - frequently nude dental assistant
Billy Ray - Achy Breaky dad of Miley
Mrs. Doc - Doc Ruger's new bride
Mike 'Gilmour' Garvey - English rock/blues player
Doug Grissom - (evil twin, mandatory FACEPALM) Badd Guyy
Alan Tick - Mostly harmless guitarist

 

[László]

Aging Studio Owner Ell Chefman sat down, had a cup of coffee, and thought for a few minutes. At his advanced age, this took some effort.

"Who among us isn't aging?" he wondered.

Then he looked in the mirror. He hadn't had a haircut in months, and he was starting to resemble Pappy Yokum.

"Well, at least Pappy Yokum was a well-known cartoon character, and if I'm starting to resemble him, so be it. At least I'm taller than he is."

 

[sergiodeblanc]

"Hello?" Doc answered the phone only to hear high pitched screaming on the other end, he knew it was Sergio as he had been receiving similar voicemails for the past week while trying to relax on his honeymoon.

"Hey Serg, calm down. I told you I'd be out of town a few weeks, whatever it was that you ingested that is making you see snakes crawling up your legs will wear off in a few hours." Doc said.

The screams turned to wails.

"Hey bud, you're freaking me out a little... check the prescription bottles and be sure to leave them in the open so when the EMT's arrive they'll know what you're on." Doc was used to Sergio calling in the middle of the night, but he found himself alarmed to hear from him so early in the morning... "He must've been up all night" He muttered to himself aloud.

"Mmmno, I tink thewres somting wong wit my gwill! My tweeth are stwuck." Sergio said.

"Ahh.. you're just having a bad trip" Doc replied: "I told you it was a bad idea to invite all those women into your home at once."

Before Doc had left for his honeymoon he had learned that Sergio had invited Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus to join Lindsay Lohan and himself to their home in an effort to "spice things up a bit". As if one bat-sh!t crazy woman in his life wasn't enough, he had decided to go all out needing the publicity after his coffee table book "To all the Margaritas I've loved Before" was a total flop.

"Mmno, Boc! I swaid mny Tweeth are smuck!" Sergio said.

"I can't understand a word you're saying. Hang up the phone and text me, NOW! or I'm calling the police to come save you!" Doc demanded.

There was more high pitched screaming coming from the other end of the line, and what sounded like a desperate attempt to hide stuff in a car trunk until the phone went dead. About a minute later Doc received this text:

No! I said there is something wrong with my grill, my teeth are stuck. I bought a complete pair of gold fronts from China (top and bottom) and used the included "poly-grip" that shipped with them, and now I can't get them off. What should I do?

"I know what I'm doing" Doc said: "Changing my number and going to get some bacon."

 

[rugerpc]

Fortunately for Sergio, Doc Ruger was friends with a pharmacist in Downers Grove. He smiled as he remembered her auburn hair even though it was quite different from the raven black mane on her head.

Doc texted back:

"Sergio. Go see Inga. She'll give you a special mixture to get those things off your teeth. While you are at it - let her give you a shot of penicillin to combat whatever Miley or Lindsay brought to the party in their pubes."

With that, Doc Bill phoned Inga. Doc Bill was newly married and he knew he'd have top do some fast talking to keep Inga from hopping on a plane just at the sound of his voice.

 

[]-[@n$0Ma☩!©]

A mouse farted. Paul heard it.

 

[rugerpc]

The phone on Shawn Nutzall's desk came alive. THAT LINE.

"Yes, Paul?"

"There is a mouse behind the 3rd CNC machine, the one that is currently doing a Hollowbody top by the sound of it. Grab a sander and have him go kill it."

"Right away!"

Nutzall didn't mind being tasked thusly, he knew that Paul only picked key employees for this kind of thing. Paul didn't want the whole factory of employees to know about his keen hearing, it was just too useful at times to be common knowledge.

Besides, Nutzall was still figuring out what his real job duties were after his promotion out of PTC. Promotion?

 

[sergiodeblanc]

"It won't last, you know." Inga said to Sergio as she mixed acetone, baking soda, champagne, and Listerine into a frothy paste. "Doc and I were meant to be together."

There was something about her "crazy eyes" that equally terrified and attracted Inga to Sergio, he almost didn't hear Lindsay, Miley, and Amanda ransacking the pharmacy up front. It wasn't until his Twitter feed from all of them lit up with reports of the DGPD being "racist pigs" and "worthless peons with horrid shoes" that he noticed he was almost missing a PR gold mine.

"You know who loves bacon?" Inga said.

"Who cares?" Sergio replied: "Can we move this along? I gotta get out there before TMZ arrives."

"Bill. He loves bacon, when he becomes mine.. I'll always make sure I keep some around for him, 'cause when you truly love someone you give them their favorite things you know." Inga, while pretty, had a seriously demented aura around her.

"You know he's married now...right?" Sergio asked.

Inga just ignored that last comment and said: "Done! You're all set here. I think your friends are gonna be on TV tonight... Looks like a camera crew just showed up."

"What?" Sergio looked panicked, "Where are the home drug tests at?"

"Isle four, next to the home pregnancy tests." Said Inga.

Sergio bolted down the isle and grabbed an arm full of both, he ran to the front of the store as the girls were being filmed verbally abusing the poor DGPD officers.

"This ought to revive my career" he thought, as he stepped out the front door of the pharmacy he hurled the champagne bottle at the police cruiser and started urinating on the pregnancy and drug tests in the middle of the street. TMZ would report later that evening that while Sergio had "no significant amount" of drugs in his system, he was four weeks pregnant.

 

[László]

Ell met his old friend Bitely for dinner. Bitely was a vampire, and had been Ell's friend for at least 500 years. "You look like crap, Ell," said Bitely. "Didn't I tell you to start sleeping in a coffin? It does wonders to prevent aging."

"I've been doing it for years," said Ell. "But it only seems to work for you guys. Tell me something, we've been friends for a long time. Can becoming a vampire stop the aging process?"

"Yes, it stops it, but it has its drawbacks," said Bitely.

"Such as?"

"Such as I'm currently trying to get my hands on the Red Violin because its finish is mixed with blood, and I need to taste that. I'm obsessed."

"It was only a movie," said Ell. "Wasn't real."

"I was only a movie, too," Bitely replied. "And yet I'm also real. I'm like three things at once: part movie, part myth, and yet real. Anyone who believes in the supernatural can buy into that. And I'll tell you something, I MUST have that violin."

"I don't believe in the supernatural. But you're here, so there must be some natural explanation, as there is for me. I'll tell you what, if you bite my neck and make me stop aging, I'll get you something better than the Red Violin."

"Better?" said the vampire, his fangs growing. "What is better than the Red Violin?"

Chefman's mind didn't race. It was too old. Instead it kind of shuffled. But an idea burst forth from the gooey mess that it had become.

"The Blood PRS."

"I've never heard of that," said Bitely.

"Of course not. Because you get all of your fetishes from movies. This is a guitar. And its V12 finish is mixed with the blood of..."

 

[sergiodeblanc]

...... "Walt Disney!" Miley yelled, and then slumped her head.

Sergio and the girls were sitting in the cell watching themselves get arrested on a flat-screen television that had been installed recently. A TMZ crew had basically moved in to town three months ago when Sergio moved these crazy b!tches back to his home, the stories came easy for them and the township rather enjoyed the extra revenue from the groups almost daily occupancy of the police station's single cell.

"What does Walt Disney have to do with anything?" Sergio asked.

"I'm supposed to play R2-D2's love interest in the new Star Wars movies..." she trailed off sobbing "They're never gonna take me now!" Miley cried.

"Why not?" Sergio asked?

"Because I'm pregnant, jerk! How did this even happen to me?!"

"Well Miley,.." Amanda said soothingly "When a man and a woman are in love... and they decide that they are mature enough to take that next step in showing that love to each other, the man inserts his..."

"But wait! TMZ said that it was Sergio who was prego.." Lindsay interrupted.

"I peed myself from laughter when Amanda's wig caught on fire when she was blowtorching her hairspray at the cops." Miley admitted, "I must have gotten enough on sticks they tested to have it show up positive."

"Aww too bad, you hear that daddy? You're not gonna be a mother." Amanda said to Sergio.

 

[László]

"Napoleon Bonaparte? Really?" said a startled Bitely.

"Yes. Remember, I have been around as long as you have, Bitely, the difference is that I age, and you do not. But I age slowly. In any case, I was given the vial containing Napoleon's blood by his doctor, Francesco Antommarchi, as after his return to France, he and I had become good friends. In fact, Antommarchi had several vials, all containing a small amount of Napoleon's blood, that were given to friends."

"And the guitar?"

"PRS makes a series of guitars called Private Stock. They are finished in nitrocellulose or whatever the customer wants. Although the contents of my vial had long ago dried, it was not difficult to make a powder and mix it with the V12 I requested instead of the nitro. Unfortunately, I now have to track down the guitar, because I sold it foolishly to fund my acoustic. If you will bite me and make me an ageless immortal, like you, I'll get the guitar for you."

"The guitar must pass tests, and you must get it first. If it passes the test, you'll join our little club."

Ell winced, he hoped not visibly. Because the guitar didn't yet exist. He had made the story up.

 

[rugerpc]

Nutzall tapped a new-hire sander and sent him after the mouse. As was his practice, Nutzall mentored the sanders and helped them transition into more complex duties at PRS. He had a ready chain of employees within the company who owed then their current positions and when Paul needed something 'special', Nutzall would tap one of these secret few.

57.16 miles away, Doc Bill was thinking about Nutzall. He was glad that his latest PTC project before Shawn had been 'promoted.' Promoted? No one was exactly sure what Nutzall's official duties were at PRS anymore and neither Paul nor Shawn were tellin'.

Doc had jumped on the latest of 3 pickup giveaways by Hands Mantic, a pair of "1985 Standard" pickups with brushed black bobbins and nickel pole-pieces. Hands had sent the pups directly to PTC and Doc had sent his SE Singlecut in to receive them. While there, the singlecut got a new minitoggle to split the new pups - an option that guitar never thought it would see. It also received a full PTC setup including a new, Maryland nut.

The work was completed during Nutzall's last days in PTC and while Doc was on his honeymoon. Doc would be picking up the guitar at XPRS13, so, after the combustion of huge wads of money for the wedding and honeymoon, Doc could still tell himself it would be like he was getting a new guitar at the Experience.

These thoughts filled Doc Ruger's mind as he worked, so it was quite a surprise to him when he noticed that the 18 1/2 year old cheerleader he was treating began to shuck her clothes,

 

[László]

Fortunately, Ell really did have the vial of Napoleon's blood. He'd saved it as sort of a macabre souvenir. The problem was finding it in the 800 years' worth of stuff he'd saved sitting in the storage room of his studio that included such diverse objects as a love note from Marie Antoinette (well, have you ever seen a painting of Louis XVI?), and the wig worn by Antoine De La Mothe Cadillac, founder of Detroit.

Cadillac at the time he founded Detroit. was, of course, actually looking for Eldorado, but had gotten lost. Fortunately, his buddy Fleetwood had them stop in le détroit du Lac Érie (the strait of Lake Erie) where Paris had granted them the right to set up a fort (there had already been a small trading area there) that they called Fort Ponchartrain du Detroit. So they founded a city, bought a compass, and headed to Seville for the winter of 1701-2.

Cadillac found his wig too hot in Seville, Ell happened to be vacationing there at the time, and bought the wig from Cadillac for 5 reals. After treating the wig with the ancient Egyptian fish egg remedy to kill the fleas, Ell wore it for several years, though he was always embarrassed about the fish smell. Still, in those days, everyone smelled to the degree that it was hardly objectionable. To compensate for the odors, the upper crust simply doused themselves in perfumes that probably made things even worse. Kind of like a spray in a freshly pooped-in bathroom. It's hard to cover up organic odors.

Ell found the sealed vial at the bottom of an old steamer trunk. Having seen The Red Violin, he knew what to do with the vial of blood. Now all he needed was his Artist V guitar, and someone who could make a few modifications and refinish it. He knew that the PTC wouldn't take on faking a PS painted with a mixture of V12 and blood. But he knew someone who, with the liberal application of smoke and champagne, might be willing to take on the project.

"Hello, Sergio...?"

 

[sergiodeblanc]

...... "Hello?" Sergio answered the phone. The police had stopped confiscating the groups belongings at the jail long ago, they knew there was no point to it seeing as though somebody always came to bail them out in a matter of hours anyway. They had already seen how the court system treats these people, so they thought it better to skip the process and sit back and collect the additional fines they were going to incur. Sergio provided them with an additional $250 by lighting up in a public building when Ell called.

"Hey, Buddy!" Sergio puffed into his cell phone, " Glad you called, I'm in the pokey again!"

Ell had quit being a lawyer long ago, he became enamored with writing music for horse drawn carriage shucksters back in the late 1800's and continued to do so for the last 200 or so years. Being a man of great frugality however, he had started giving Sergio counsel because it was just really easy money. Usually he'd just have to write a letter or make a call, and then collect a few grand.. Hey , he wasn't born yesterday you know.

"Are you smoking in jail again?" Ell asked.

"Why wouldn't I be? " Sergio replied.

Ell let out a sigh, looked at the clock and pulled out one of his pre-drafted letters he used for Sergio's frequent legal defense matters. They looked kind of like official Mad-Lib documents, lots of fancy legalese with blank spaces that Ell used to fill in for the offense, time, etc. By his calculation Ell had already made $500 in the past twenty seconds.

"They even put ashtrays in here now" Sergio said, and to which Ell replied; "That's a clear case of entrapment, I'll have that thrown out. Tell Lindsay the same thing if she's doing blow off the top of the toilet seat again, they were told to remove those last week."

Sure enough, Lindsay was doing just that.

"I've got this vile of blood I'm trying to stain a guitar with, I'm pretty sure OSHA won't allow the PTC to do it." Ell continued; "What do you think? Care to give it a shot?"

"I'm kinda busy right now Ell. Oh.. and I'm pregnant." Sergio and the girls, even Miley, giggled a little bit. "Haven't you seen the news on TV?"

Ell put the phone down and switched on TMZ, a smile came across his face and asked Sergio to hand the phone to the officer in charge. After handing the phone back to Sergio the officer opened the cell door and said everybody was free to go.. but that they'd better "be more cautious in the future".

"See girls, that's why Ell get paid the big bucks." The girls rolled their eyes and Amanda b!tch-slapped the officer on the back of his neck yelling "Hot Dogs!" referring to those little lumps of fat that had settled there on their way out of the cell.

 

[]-[@n$0Ma☩!©]

Miley twerked and a small fart slipped out betwixt her boney rear and her rubber pants. It sounded more like a whoopee cushion than the real thing. Sergio snickered - then coughed - blowing smoke and one tiny ember her way. A ball of flame erupted as the noxious plume permeated the room.

Paul heard it.

 

[sergiodeblanc]

"Did you hear that?" Paul asked Nutzall "Why do I keep asking people that? They never do. Oh, but this reminds me.. We're discontinuing the S1 models, we don't need this kind of negative publicity anymore."

"Probably not a bad idea... nobody really wants a plexiglass PRS." replied Nutzall.

"I want you to make the call to Sergio, the last time I called and said that we don't do winged tuners and rotary switches he actually cried the whole time. I just don't think I can take it." Paul usually loved talking to the the artists but Sergio was an exception. He had been frightened into agreeing to a plexiglass guitar when Sergio took him big game fishing three years ago when he was at the height of his success... but that's another story.

Nutzall winced,like a kid that's told to kiss his great aunt, you know.. the one with the hairy mole. He agreed, but asked if he could do it tomorrow; "Ahh, I really need to prepare myself for this one it's not gonna be pleasant."

"That's fine" Paul said, "But I want you to gather the returns and overstock. Pile them into shipping container 19c to be disposed of."

"Is that the one with all the Happy Foil guitars?" Nutzall asked.

"No, that's containers 19a and 19b... Totally misread the market for those. 19c is specified for an ocean disposal, the EPA wont let us burn that much plastic. You may as well just leave the S1's in the kitten adorned gig bags.... totally misread the market for those." Paul turned and walked away leaving Nutzall to do the dirty work. On his way to the shipping container 19c Nutzall saw Paul in his office tapping the baseboards and drywall......... listening.

 

[alantig]

Sergio, enjoying his rediscovered freedom, walked in the door as the phone rang for the sixth time. :call: He picked up just as Nutzall was about to hang up. "Yo, Sergio, speak to me."

Nutzall tensed a bit, his temporary escape blocked. "Uh, hey Sergio, it's Nutzall. Dude, I've got some bad news - Paul just dropped the axe on the S1. It's not going to happen."

Sergio shrugged and said, "Hey, man, whatchagonnnado? Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don't. In the end, it's all good. Anyway, I was thinking while I was in the joint, and I've got another idea. I'm gonna skip right over the S3 and jump straight to an S4."

Nutzall was intrigued. "Yeah? What's an S4?"

Sergio roared, "IT'S FOR ME TO KICK WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU AND PAUL!!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL MY DREAMS AND JUST WALK AWAY LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED????"

Nutzall winced as Sergio slammed the phone down. "Better than I expected," he thought, but just to cover himself, he decided to let Paul know. He dialed the extension and waited.

"Yeah".

"Paul, I just let Sergio know, and..."

Paul stopped him and said, "Yeah. I heard. Is this hearing thing ever going to click with you guys?"

 

[rugerpc]

"What are you doing? I'm married!"

"I know that, but you still do nude photography, don't you?"

"Not while I'm cleaning your teeth..."

Casey just laughed at Doc Ruger which made her naked breasts jiggle playfully. "Look, put this on," doc said handing her an assistant's smock. "We'll get some shots after your fluoride."

Casey slipped on the smock with a giggle. As Doc Ruger's chairside assistant, she really liked teasing him this way. And her portfolio of tasteful nude shots was expanding. She knew that many of those shots were responsible for her successful part-time modeling career. But she had no plan to do it full time. She enjoyed her work at the office and would miss how beet red Doc would get when she surprised him like this.

Doc could feel the redness his face. Casey was the most unusual assistant he had ever had. She was excellent at her job and totally comfortable with her body which made her a great photo subject. Mrs. Doc and Casey had come to an understanding long before Doc got married - all work and no play. Mrs. Doc vetted all of Docs models. She knew that there was ever the possibility that an opportunist or a gold-digger might apply and she made it her business to protect Doc from the more unprofessional types.

Just as Doc and Casey were preparing for another shoot in the studio attached to the office, the phone rang, "hello," said doc as he noticed Casey had re-trimmed her pubes into the shape of a 12th fret bird...

 

[sergiodeblanc]

"Seriously!? How jacked up is that?" Sergio said aloud, "Could this day get anymore annoying?"

"Well, some critic named Eric G. from the Advocate just wrote that your coffee table book is at the top of his list for books to burn to save money on heating costs in Colorado winters." Amanda liked kicking people when they were down, it was one of the things that the group loved about her. Being a celebrity is hard, you have to endure constant personal attacks and developing a thick skin is paramount to your survival. All four of them had been run through the meat grinder recently and they knew it was important to stay strong, so they all made sure to rail on each other constantly to keep the calluses hard.

"You know what I'll do?" Sergio asked nobody in particular; "I'll finally return that call to ESP!"

They all laughed... They may have been demoted in their celebrity status as of late, but the girls knew that that would be the same thing as being seen wearing last seasons shoes or endorsing a line of clothing from JC Penny... Suicide for coolness.

"Oh... crap" Miley looked at her phone and her laughter subsided, "My dad is coming over."

"F@ck me! I'm going to bed and locking the door, if you let him anywhere near me I swear I'll kill him." Lindsay had a previously creepy encounter with Miley's father the last time he stopped by. Ever since Billy Rays divorce he had started growing a mullet back again, and to Lindsay's horror he had not started growing it back on his head. She had been punished with a nude rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart" by the hot tub one night with Billy substituting the word "part" for "heart" in the lyrics.

"What is it with you people and your white trash haircuts?" Amanda asked.

"Oh, like you should talk!" Miley shot back, "Your wig has melted to your eyebrows." Amanda looked up with the corners of her eyes and got up to go check out the damage in the bathroom mirror.

Sergio and Miley were left alone. Considering that they were the only ones mildly employable in the house, the recent news had hit them the hardest.

"Dad is gonna flip when he finds out I'm prego." Miley said. "He was totally banking on this whole Star Wars thing for a chance to meet Carrie Fisher. I can't believe he still thinks that woman is sexy."

"C'mon, she is Princess Leia after all..." Sergio said.

"Ugh! Gross! You'd do that?" Miley looked truly disgusted.

"Ah... No? You're the only one for me babe, well I mean in addition to Amanda and Lindsay that is." Sergio replied.

The two sat down on the Panda-skin sofa and Miley cuddled up to Sergio and put her head on his chest and asked; "What are we gonna do? Filming starts in a week and we need the money. Lindsay can't keep stealing sh!t from movie sets to make ends meet, and all of our health insurance is through the roof. Amanda's Starbucks job and their policy of domestic partner benefits is great and all, but I'm not sure it covers pregnancy for a situation like we have.... God, I wish you were the one that was pregnant. Everything would be so much easier."

"I know, babe." Sergio said lovingly, "Everything will work out, I promise."

 

[László]

Ell looked up from his to-do list. He had a blank expression on his face.

"I don't understand what's going on in the story any more," he said, blankly. "I'm starting to feel like I'm as high as Sergio de Blank. I'm blanking out. I need a security blanket or something."