Senior Wisdom

[bodia]

A little humor for your Wednesday.....

Senior Wisdom.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink and curse like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I have stopped calling the bathroom the “John”. I renamed it the “Jim”.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why should I press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I came in there.

 

[Dusty Chalk]

Stealing 'tingly...'.

 

[László]

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

I'm stealing this one! Hahaha!

And it's SO TRUE.

 

[rugerpc]

A cute girl waved at me at the mall. I waved back. She stood on tip toe and craned her head from side to side. That was when I realized it wasn't me she was waving at. I was the thing in the way of who she was waving at.

 

[clasbtenn]

Why have one for the road, when the road is already laid out?

 

[Mixstar]

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Made me laugh so much, I nicked it for a signature on another board I use.

 

[Tosca]

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a poor memory.

 

[Tosca]

Why is waking up in the morning after 55 like frying bacon in the nude???
You know it's going to hurt...you're just not sure where.

 

[Mixstar]

Grill the bacon, it's better for you and there's less chance of spraying your bits with hot oil.

 

[xjbebop]

I have a book about Alzheimers, but I can't remember where I put it....

 

[dmatthews]

I could never understand why the Frisbee always looked bigger as it got closer to me.
And then it hit me...

 

[BMiller]

"Righty tighty, lefty loosey, wait....what am I doing again? Ah screw it! Who wants a beer?!"

 

[drawshot]

When I was a child...my father was brilliant.

When I was a teen...my father was an idiot.

When I became an adult...my father was brilliant.

I am now the father of one teen and two children.

I don't know if I'm a smart idiot or dumb genius....

 

[rugerpc]

If you are bald in front, you're a thinker.

If you are bald in back, you're a lover.

If you are bald in front and in back, you just think you're a lover.

 

[watelessness]

Good stuff!

 

[Dusty Chalk]

Everyone believes in something, I believe I'll have another drink.

Some people believe sex is the answer to everything. It's not, it's the question. 'Yes' is the answer.

 

[11top]

I'm planning on living forever; so far so good.

 

[11top]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."


The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."


Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

 

[11top]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.


"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"


"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."


"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'


"Twenty-six," he said.

 

[Parralax view]

When some young Hawaiian thing smiles at me, I don't know if it's friendly or pity or friendly pity.....