Musician Jokes-post yours

[CandidPicker]

Break the ice:
"Remember, it's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Q: What's the first thing a guitarist does in the morning?
A: He rolls over and introduces himself.

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They're not. Violists' heads are just smaller than violinists'.

Later in the evening:
"Remember, friends, don't let your meat loaf." (Courtesy of our former open-mic sax player)

For the closing crowd joke, or for inebriated folks in the audience:
"It's like the time my buddy got pulled over after a gig. The cop asked him to get out of the car and spell 'Mississippi.' "
He said, "Sure thing, Ossifer, the state or the river?"

 

[Alnus Rubra]

You will never hear the following sentence:

“That’s the banjo players Porsche!”


Q - How many Trumpet Players does it take to pave a driveway?

A - Seven, if you lay them out correctly.

 

[CandidPicker]

Q: Why do guitarists love guitar tuners?
A: They are a sharp bunch!

Old drummers don't die, they just lose track of time.
Old piano tuners don't die, they just come unwound.
Old saxophone players don't die, they just lose their puff.
Old ragtime players don't die, they just stop time.
Old musicians never die, they just go from bar to bar
Old blues guitarists never die, they just come to a bottleneck.
Old Eddie Van Halen’s never die, they just tap and pull off.
Old James Gang’s never die, they just turn their pretty heads and walk away.
Old Eagles don't die, they check out but never leave.
Old Led Zeppelins don't die, it's just been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.
Old composers don't die, they just decompose.

A heckler once said he was going to pound me senseless with the neck of my guitar. I quickly asked him if that was a fret? (Courtesy: Andy)

Q: What's the difference between something that is definite and something indefinite?
A: "What...?"

 

[Wakester]

Q: how do classical musicians keep track of what they need at the grocery store?

A: they write it down on a Chopin Lizst.

 

[Shawn@PRS]

 

[Wakester]

The Hollywood Tabloids are reporting that there will be a new action movie to be filmed using classical composers as main characters. Sylvester Stallone has signed on as Beethoven, Bruce Willis is slated to portray Brahms and Christian Slater as Liszt. When interviewed about his potential role in the action thriller, Arnold Schwarzenegger simply said, I'll be Bach.



Thank you, I'll see myself to the door.

 

[CandidPicker]

A jazz guitar solo player was playing some old standards at a restaurant gig when a bluegrass player piped up between songs and said, "Ya know any fingerpicking country songs?

Taken aback, the jazz guitarist broke into a rendition of "Classical Gas" that lasted about 10 minutes. The crowd applauded for some time.

When the guitarist had finished his song, the bluegrass player said, "Naw, I meant bluegrass backcountry songs. Somethin' I could write the folks back home about."

The jazz guitarist sighed slightly and did his best rendition of "Tennessee Waltz." The crowd applauded vigorously when he concluded.

The bluegrass player smiled widely and said, "Son, ya done good. I was just hoping for somethin' that would keep my Martha awake here until dinner arrived, and now that she's had a few drinks and is sawing a log, I can take her dinner home with me and not let on until she's made it safely home. By the way, here's $5 for the good bedside manner lullaby and next day's dinner."

The jazz guitarist said, "Thanks. Honestly, as a classically trained jazz guitarist, fast fingerpicking bluegrass wasn't something I could easily play.

The bluegrass player said, "I'm not so sure you could, Son. I only ask jazz players for bluegrass songs when my girlfriend needs a nap."

 

[Staredge]

How did they get R. Kelly to surrender himself to authorities?



They told him he would be staying at a female juvenile detention center.

I thought we were making musician jokes.

 

[dmatthews]

Why are upright bass players so cool?
Cuz they just never fret.

Ok... I just made that one up alright? I mean... whaddya want for free?

 

[alantig]

Why did the piano playing dog’s owner get rid of his instrument?

His Bach was worse than his bite.


(I actually bought a girl a card with that punch line about 35 years ago. She read it and laughed and said, “That’s funny.” My buddy said, “You didn’t get it.” She said she did. He said, “No you didn’t. Read it out loud.” So she did, and read the punchline as “His batch is worse than his bite.” My buddy said, “It’s not batch, it’s bock.” She looked at him, then at the card, and said, “Oh, that’s even funnier!”)

 

[jxe]

i dreamt you made this comment before! clickin!!

Why did the piano playing dog’s owner get rid of his instrument?

His Bach was worse than his bite.


(I actually bought a girl a card with that punch line about 35 years ago. She read it and laughed and said, “That’s funny.” My buddy said, “You didn’t get it.” She said she did. He said, “No you didn’t. Read it out loud.” So she did, and read the punchline as “His batch is worse than his bite.” My buddy said, “It’s not batch, it’s bock.” She looked at him, then at the card, and said, “Oh, that’s even funnier!”)

 

[Guitpicky]

Dueling Ukeleles

 

[Deli6505]

Q: What has three legs and a c**t?
A: A drum stool.

 

[Alnus Rubra]

Guy walks into an alleyway behind a bar. The band are on a break. He sees the Bass player beating up a guy, kicking him on the floor.

Guy asks the Bass player:

“Hey why are you doing that?!”

Bass player replies:

“Because he’s de-tuned one of the strings on my guitar!”

Guy says:

“Well just go and tune it up!”

Bass player exclaims:

“The a$$hole won’t tell me which one!”

 

[alantig]

i dreamt you made this comment before! clickin!!

Deja vu! (It's probable that I did. I'm just too lazy to check!)

 

[alantig]

Have you learned the singer-songwriter scale?

It's Do-Re-Mi-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me.

 

[Alnus Rubra]

Have you learned the singer-songwriter scale?

It's Do-Re-Mi-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me.

“Doh, a Diva just like me!”
Ray, who? I really just don’t care!”
“Me, oh good,
we’re back to me!”
“Far, exactly where I’m gonna go”
“So. I really still don’t care!”
“Lah-de-dah-de-dah-de-dah(can’t hear you)!”
“Te, good that also rhymes with me!”
“And it brings me back to me, me, me, meeee!”

 

[Clashcityrocker]

How does the PRS fan shave in the morning?

He looks in the Mira

 

[Clashcityrocker]

Did you hear about the guitarist that got in a fender bender?

He stayed at home and got drunk with his Telecaster.

 

[Clashcityrocker]

Why did the guitarist play a Less Paul?

Because everybody wanted More Cowbell!