jxe
babe en der wood
in lieu of a downvote, have my complete absence of laughter regarding an overweight (haha?) chaste (haha?) woman (haha?) being raped.
How about some humor?
- Thread starter 11top
- Start date
in lieu of a downvote, have my complete absence of laughter regarding an overweight (haha?) chaste (haha?) woman (haha?) being raped.
11top
Cousin Eddie's cousin
matonanjin
New Member
Well, it is mint!!
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
*A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and it's freakin' pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people, too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the yard. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and it's freakin' pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people, too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the yard. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
I am afraid that a friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop anytime.
A man at a dinner party farts.
Another man says, "How dare you fart in front of my wife!"
First man says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was her turn."
A man at a dinner party farts.
Another man says, "How dare you fart in front of my wife!"
First man says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was her turn."
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
A rookie cop pulls over a biker for speeding. “May I see your driver's license and registration please?”
“Officer, I don' have one, it was suspended after my fifth DUI.”
“And registration for this vehicle?”
“Don't have one sir, I stole it.”
“This motorcycle is stolen?”
“Yes sir, but I think I saw the registration in the tool bag when I put my gun in there.”
“There's a gun in the tool bag?”
“Yes sir, I put it there after I killed the owner of this bike, and then I stuffed his drugs in the saddle bags.”
“There's drugs in the saddle bags?”
“Yes sir.”
The rookie cop calls his captain, and within minutes they are surrounded by squad cars. The captain approaches the biker and says, “Can I see your driver’s license?”
“Certainly sir.” (Hands him his valid license.)
And, “Who's motorcycle is this?”
“It's mine sir, here's the registration.”
“Would you mind if we opened your tool bag to show if there's a gun in it?’
“Certainly sir, but there is no gun in it.” (There wasn't)
“Would you mind opening your saddle bags?” (He did, and there were no drugs inside.)
The Captain says, “What's going on here? I was told that you had a gun and drugs in your saddle bags.”
The biker says, “Did the original officer tell you that? I'll bet he told you I had been speeding too...”
“Officer, I don' have one, it was suspended after my fifth DUI.”
“And registration for this vehicle?”
“Don't have one sir, I stole it.”
“This motorcycle is stolen?”
“Yes sir, but I think I saw the registration in the tool bag when I put my gun in there.”
“There's a gun in the tool bag?”
“Yes sir, I put it there after I killed the owner of this bike, and then I stuffed his drugs in the saddle bags.”
“There's drugs in the saddle bags?”
“Yes sir.”
The rookie cop calls his captain, and within minutes they are surrounded by squad cars. The captain approaches the biker and says, “Can I see your driver’s license?”
“Certainly sir.” (Hands him his valid license.)
And, “Who's motorcycle is this?”
“It's mine sir, here's the registration.”
“Would you mind if we opened your tool bag to show if there's a gun in it?’
“Certainly sir, but there is no gun in it.” (There wasn't)
“Would you mind opening your saddle bags?” (He did, and there were no drugs inside.)
The Captain says, “What's going on here? I was told that you had a gun and drugs in your saddle bags.”
The biker says, “Did the original officer tell you that? I'll bet he told you I had been speeding too...”
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
Lister
Playing guitar badly since the 70's...
bodia
Authorities said.....best leave it.....unsolved
jxe
babe en der wood
less than list?
bodia
Authorities said.....best leave it.....unsolved
11top
Cousin Eddie's cousin
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
Maybe he’s dyslexic and really meant $2,700.
"If life gives you melons, maybe you're dyslexic."
Wakester
Re Member
I see your $7200 and raise you $200
https://reverb.com/item/33117177-paul-reed-smith-silver-sky-nebula-limited-edition
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
Plus $100 shipping!
sergiodeblanc
New Member
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2012
- Messages
- 27,378
Maybe he’s dyslexic and really meant $2,700.
Do you think I could buy yours, and your Ziracote Santana for $7200?
Jonathan is a marketing genius!
CandidPicker
Tone Matters. Use It Well.
From 1998, the winning entries for the high school simile and metaphor writing contest. Here are some of the winning entries:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh-Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Margaret Thatcher's teeth.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh-Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Margaret Thatcher's teeth.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
D
Deleted member 5962
Guest
Should we send in the Berts?
I know, that’s only funny too me. But 10 years or so ago, fun stuff.
![]-[@n$0Ma☩!©](/data/avatars/m/0/675.jpg?1595235761){kind=avatar}
]-[@n$0Ma☩!©
Zombie Zero, DFZ
- Joined
- Aug 1, 1985
- Messages
- 7,325
11top
Cousin Eddie's cousin
[/QUOTE
]
What’s the Bush’s baked beans recipe?
