How about some humor?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by 11top, Mar 27, 2020.

  1. CandidPicker

    CandidPicker Open-Ears / Zippered Lips

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    So this guy's driving down the road, and he sees a sign by the edge of the road in front of a house: "Talking Dog 4 Sale, $15."

    Intrigued, the guy pulls over, hops out of his car and walks up to the front porch, where an old codger is whittling a stick.

    "Hey," says the guy, "The sign says you've got a talking dog for sale. Is this real?"

    "Yep," says the codger, "He's tied up 'round back, at his doghouse. You can go see him if you like."

    Now the rush of excitement begins. The guy runs around the back of the house, and sees a dog, somewhat of a mongrel mix, chained next to his doghouse. The dog is reading a newspaper.

    "Say," speaks the guy, "Are you this talking dog your owner has for sale?"

    "Yep," replies the dog.

    "Holy carp!" says the guy. "Old dog, how did you happen to come to be here, and what's your backstory?"

    "It began years ago," says the dog, "I graduated college with a degree in criminal justice, and went on to become a Navy Seal. Then after being honorably discharged from the service, I was employed as a criminal investigator with the FBI. Finally, I was furloughed from that job, and sought employment with the CIA in counter-intelligence. I've since retired and now am a guard dog for this here house."

    "Holy mackerel!" exclaims the guy, "I'll be right back!"

    So the guy runs around to the front of the house and says, "Mister, you've got a talking dog back there you're selling for $15. Why, that talking dog is worth $15,000 dollars!"

    "Nope," says the old codger, "$15."

    "Then why in tarnation only $15?" asks the guy.

    "Because," says the old codger, "That dog's a liar. He ain't never done any of what he says at all."
     
  2. matonanjin

    matonanjin New Member

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  3. Alnus Rubra

    Alnus Rubra Loving nature’s wonders

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    Brilliant!
     
  4. alantig

    alantig Zombie Four, DFZ

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    Because I don't quite have Casi's filter - just enough of one to spoiler this.

    I swear, if I ever have a band again, this is in the set list. Or something I hold in reserve for when the drummer has to adjust his high-hats.

     
  5. 11top

    11top Cousin Eddie's cousin

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    One of the classics.
     
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  6. CandidPicker

    CandidPicker Open-Ears / Zippered Lips

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    I heard of this one from a friend who shared it with me:

    Sherlock Holmes and Watson are lying out in a field, sound asleep. Sherlock awakens.

    Sherlock speaks. "Watson, wake up..."

    Watson stirs..."*snork...cough... yes, Holmes, what is it?"

    "Watson, look up into the heavens above, and tell me what you deduce..."

    Watson begins..."Well, Sherlock, I see a multitude of stars. Within the stars are formations we know as galaxies. I presume that within those galaxies are solar systems, maybe some like ours. And perhaps there is a sun and planets within those solar systems that can support life. And perhaps, maybe even several planets like our Earth, filled with vegetation, animals, clean air, fresh water, and beautiful scenery, like our Earth. Maybe even an Earth filled with people, maybe even people just like you and me. Is that what you were thinking, Sherlock:?

    Sherlock blurts out, "No, Watson, you imbecile, someone has stolen our tent!"
     
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  7. Alnus Rubra

    Alnus Rubra Loving nature’s wonders

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    Reminds a bit of this -

     
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  8. alantig

    alantig Zombie Four, DFZ

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    I love Rodney. I was planning to see him in June before things went crazy. A lot of his stuff can’t be posted here, but this one...



    And this one with a twist...

     
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  9. CandidPicker

    CandidPicker Open-Ears / Zippered Lips

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    Steven Wright --

    "What do they pack styrofoam in when they ship it?"

    "I like to leave messages before the beep."

    "I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take-off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3."

    "I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realized that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!"

    So a guy asked me, "Do you know what time it is?" I said, "Yes, but not right now."

    "I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it."

    "I once bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."
     
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  10. Tony M.

    Tony M. New Member

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    Why is there braille on drive through ATM buttons?

    Speaking of which, my children are all grown up now
    but when they were teens...my initials are actually ATM.

    Talk about a looooonnnnng running joke....
     
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  11. QuiltTop319

    QuiltTop319 New Member

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    Read this somewhere.
    Man goes into the dentist office:
    Dentist: Your teeth are extremely yellow
    Patient: What do you recommend?
    Dentist: Get a brown tie!
     
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  12. 11top

    11top Cousin Eddie's cousin

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    If you’re traveling down the road at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, do they do any good?

    I’m going to live forever; so far, so good.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who wasn’t sure if there was a dog or not?
     
    #92 11top, Apr 1, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2020
  13. Black Plaid

    Black Plaid just another Alan

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  14. dmatthews

    dmatthews Dave's not here...

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  15. Egads

    Egads One, Two, THIRTEEN!

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    Yeah, the honey my daughter decided to drip on EVERY F#$%ING doorknob in our house told me what day today is!
     
  16. Alnus Rubra

    Alnus Rubra Loving nature’s wonders

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    One of my favourite jokes:

    I tell it as the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac who lays awake at night and wonders of theres a dog.
     
  17. Iceman101

    Iceman101 There's always room for one more.....

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  18. bodia

    bodia Authorities said.....best leave it.....unsolved

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    Thinking about it!
     
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  19. QuiltTop319

    QuiltTop319 New Member

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    Can't wait for this to end. The buttons on my shirt are starting to practice social distancing!
     
  20. DreamTheaterRules

    DreamTheaterRules I'm sailing

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    Yeah, but I already got my $1200 or under PRS recently, with the Mira. Guess if I got another $1200 I'd have to by a Vela. I still like the cool Reclaimed ones. Of course, I'd prefer a Vernon Reid model, since A) it has a floyd and B) Vern is a cool dude and a major bada$$ guitar player!
     
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