How about some humor?

[Alnus Rubra]

One especially for you Alan

The photo on the right reminds me of a call one night. The whole family were getting arrested and the mother was screaming:

“Rape! Rape! His hands are on my breasts!!”

As quick as a whip, my colleague replied:

“His hands are nowhere near your knees!”

 

[Alan Manning]

One especially for you Alan

Looks like the scousers been nickin the wheels off the cars again!!!

 

[Alan Manning]

I'm not keen on this social distancing malarkey.
My Mrs has moved the Naughty step from the bottom of the stairs to outside the back door !!!
It's bloody freezing come 10 at night.!!!

 

[Tony M.]

So I took my dog to the vet.
He took a cat out of a cage,
passed it over the dog twice,
told me the dog was fine...









...and charged me $200.00 for the cat scan.

 

[gush]

But fine, here's a humerus post.

Aaaaah............am I the only one dying to make an inappropriate comment about this???

 

[dmatthews]

So I took my dog to the vet.
He took a cat out of a cage,
passed it over the dog twice,
told me the dog was fine...









...and charged me $200.00 for the cat scan.

I'd have paid for the extra Lab test too... ya know... a Dogtor...

 

[mark cassidy]

A guy down our street got taken to hospital with covid19, he went into decline so they put him on a ventilator....luckily it was one of those dysons, and he's picking up nicely..

I'm sorry. That's too funny!!!

 

[mark cassidy]

I figure we could use some.

Best cartoons ever!!!

 

[Alnus Rubra]

Looks like the scousers been nickin the wheels off the cars again!!!

Well someone is smuggling the Scammell wheel nuts!

 

[ScottR]

But fine, here's a humerus post.

Doooood!!! You beat me to it...
Here's mine again anyway...ewww

Wait...I think yours has a boob? So you win.

 

[ScottR]

 

[Alnus Rubra]

 

[CandidPicker]

 

[11top]

An inmate was spending his first night ever in the State penitentiary. As he was drifting off to sleep somebody yells “67,” and the entire joint erupts in laughter. A few minutes later somebody hollers “27”, and again deafening laughter. This goes on for quite awhile with the same results.

The new inmate whispers to the guy in the next cell, “Hey. What’s going on with the numbers?” The old guy whispers back, “We‘ve told the same jokes so many times that we’ve assigned them numbers.”

The new inmate thinks this over and decides to try to fit-in and give it a try, so he yells out “34!” followed by DEAD SILENCE.

Confused the new inmate whispers again to his neighboring cellmate, “So, what’s the deal; nobody laughed?”

The old jailbird replied, “It’s pretty simple; some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can’t.”

 

[Alan Manning]

The late Billy Graham was giving an audience in which he announced he would heal 2 people with the power of the lord.
He asked 2 people with an ailment to come up on the stage. The 1st hobbled up on crutches, " Your name and problem is sir" asked Graham,
"Mr Jones Iv'e had polio since childhood and can't walk properly" Graham ask's him to go behind a screen that's erected on the stage.
The 2nd person walks up !!! " And your name is sir ask's Graham. And with a speech impediment reply's "Ma,Ma Mr Smith and I can't talk properly". Graham ask's him to join Mr Jones behind the screen and proceeds to prey for the power of the lord to heal these 2 people to a captive audience." Dear lord give me the power to heal these 2 people" after which he ask's " Mr Jones ( Throw away your crutches) And these 2 crutches fly over the screen and crash to the stage!! He then proclaims " Mr Smith say something to which the reply is.
Ma,Ma, Mr D,jones as d,just fallen over.!!!.

 

[11top]

 

[mad monk]

I thought I was on my way in life. Me Mum asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her "A comedian." She laughed. I've been broke ever since.

 

[Herr Squid]

An inmate was spending his first night ever in the State penitentiary. As he was drifting off to sleep somebody yells “67,” and the entire joint erupts in laughter. A few minutes later somebody hollers “27”, and again deafening laughter. This goes on for quite awhile with the same results.

The new inmate whispers to the guy in the next cell, “Hey. What’s going on with the numbers?” The old guy whispers back, “We‘ve told the same jokes so many times that we’ve assigned them numbers.”

The new inmate thinks this over and decides to try to fit-in and give it a try, so he yells out “34!” followed by DEAD SILENCE.

Confused the new inmate whispers again to his neighboring cellmate, “So, what’s the deal; nobody laughed?”

The old jailbird replied, “It’s pretty simple; some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can’t.”

The punchline I know to this one:


The old jailbird replied, “Son, we don't tell dirty jokes here!”

 

[CandidPicker]

I've heard it this way...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll it be, gents?" asks the bartender. The priest and the minster both reply in unison, "Bloody Mary's, please."

The rabbit then says, "I think I might be a typo."

So'k, I just changed my salad order to one with a fat-free dressing this evening. No loss there.

Yeah, it's dry. The reason I was drinking to begin with.

 

[Reo Clayton]

I found a tick crawling on me yesterday and thought to myself...well, at least I'll get my corona with lyme!