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Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
 
Clark: We're gonna have the hap hap happiest christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny fugging Kaye.
 
Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.
Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
 
Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!
Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.
Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
 
Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!
Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.
Clark: Okay Eddie...
 
Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?
Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
[Grotesque barfing noises]
Eddie: He's got it up!
[Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]
 
Art: [after Clark has flipped out] You're goofy!
Clark: [Still flipped out] Don't piss me off Art...
 
Joe: So, you guys like to tell jokes, huh? Gigglin' and laughin' like a bunch of young broads sittin' in a schoolyard. Well, let me tell a joke. Five guys, sittin' in a bullpen, in San Quentin. All wondering how the fugg they got there. What should we have done, what didn't we do, who's fault is it, is it my fault, your fault, his fault, all that ********. Then one of them says, hey. Wait a minute. When we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around tellin' fuggin' jokes! Get the message? Boys, I don't mean to holler at ya. When this caper's over - and I'm sure it'll be a successful one - we'll get down to the Hawaiian Islands, hell, I'll roll and laugh with all of ya. You'll find me a different character down there. Right now, it's a matter of business.
 
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