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Clark: Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!

 

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Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.

 

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Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

 

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Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises class to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]

 

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Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.

 

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Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!

 

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Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.

 

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Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?

 

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Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks widly at the presents under the tree]

 

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Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

 

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Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

 

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Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime!

 

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Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.

 

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Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...

 

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Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
[another knock]
Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]

 

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Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

 

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Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

 

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Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

 

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Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.

 

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Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.