“Doc, it hurts when I move my finger like this.”
“Stop moving your finger like this.”
My father used to tell that joke when I was a boy. That was...um...I don't remember. Probably before the joke book below that I think you should read to update your material!
Philogelos, an actual Roman joke book that dates to the third or fourth century AD is actually kind of fun. There are around 260 jokes. They're your kind of gags! Here are a few:
A man buys a slave, who dies soon afterwards. When he complains to the seller, the seller says: "He didn't die when I owned him."
A Roman runs into a friend. "Funny, I was told you were dead," says the friend. The guy says "Well, you can see I'm still alive." The friend says, "The man who told me you were dead is much more reliable than you".
An idiot sees his doctor walking towards him, and hides his face. His friend asks what's the deal. The idiot replies, "It's been so long since I was last sick I'm embarrassed to see him."
A student has to sell his books to get a little money. His friend says, "What's your father going to say?" The friend says "I'll find a way to break it to him." So he sends his father a letter: "Dear Dad, congratulate me, my books are already supporting me!"
Someone needled a guy: “I had your wife, without paying a sestertius.” The guy replied: “It’s my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?’
A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: “Everyone is fine, especially your father.” When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: “You have no clue who your real father is.”
While a misogynist was paying his last respects to his wife, someone asked him: “Who has gone to rest?” He replied: “Me, now that I’m alone.”
When a misogynist took sick and his wife said to him, “If you die, I’ll hang myself,” he looked up at her and said: “Do me the favor while I’m still alive.”
Et cetera.
Cymbalum crash.
