The finest and most selfless team in the NFL is the Detroit Lions. Yes, I know what you're thinking.
But hear me out.
They dominated the NFL in the 50s and then were sold to William Clay Ford, whose claim to fame is that he inherited a lot of money. But Ford had a lot of civic pride. He loved Detroit.
People think the Lions' losing was mere incompetence. No, my friends, it was not. There was thinking behind this. You see, Detroit was like many other cities in the 1950s, only cleaner, nicer, and less crowded. It occurred to the forward-thinking city fathers that in time, a population explosion would destroy these qualities in Detroit. They wanted to avoid it. So they decided to discourage growth, and encourage people to leave. How could they best accomplish this?
Well, there was this football team that the city loved, and a civic-minded owner. So the city fathers approached Mr. Ford. "Could you take the team out of the city, Mr. Ford, and make them play in a big domed stadium in the far suburbs? Maybe we can slow population growth in the city that way?"
"Sure, said Mr. Ford. I'll do that." And quick as you can imagine, Mr. Ford set up a barren concrete monstrosity of a stadium far from the city.
"Can you make the team play less well, so that people will be less enthusiastic about visiting Detroit and messing it up," said the city fathers? And sure enough, Mr. Ford hired the least talented coaching staffs in the universe, some of whom were in fact aliens who'd never seen the game of football before being hired, and put them in charge of his team. And the years of decline and losing began.
Since taking over the Lions after their good years. Detroit has lost roughly half of its population. People think it's because of industrial chaos. Not on your life.
No, my friends. It's a little-known fact that, one by one, people have left Detroit because they are disgusted with the Detroit Lions.
There was only one mistake. The planners thought that only poor people would care enough about football to leave, and they wanted poor people to go other places, and have a nice city full of well-to-do people. They just didn't realize that only middle class and upper class people could actually, you know, *afford* to leave. And that middle and upper class people had gone to colleges and had become fans of the game of football. So they left instead.
Folks, that was never the plan. Poor Mr. Ford's team tried to do more for the city than anyone thought possible, and was successful in its mission, having done more than any other NFL team to discourage people from moving to a city.
Except the mission backfired.
But there are other good things about the Lions.
Is there another NFL team that can boast of its best all-time running back retiring because he lost interest in the game of football in the prime of his career, and saw no future for his team? Only the Detroit Lions, whose star Barry Sanders retired in 1999. You might think this is bad, but think about this - maybe Barry Sanders won't have as many problems later in life from hit after football hit! The Lions may have saved his life! There is real generosity of spirit at work in this team, a team selfless enough to encourage good players to retire early.
Is there another NFL team that year after year inspires children to do their homework because their parents can say to them, "Do your homework or you might wind up on the Detroit Lions."
No, my friends, this is a special team, that has done so much for a special city, that I am almost moved to tears. Almost.
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